"A journey of 1,000 miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire."
"The early bird catches the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met."
"I intend to live forever. So far so good."
"Women are like small children. You bring a new one home and the ones already there resent it."
"If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"
"Televangelists : The pro wrestlers of religion."
"Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill."
"If you've seen one covered shopping center, you've seen a mall."
"It was only after their population of 50 mysteriously shrank to 8 that the other 7 dwarfs began to suspect Hungry."
"I think I've figured out why slugs don't like margaritas."
"If practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, why practice?"
"Hey! Where am I going? And what am I doing in this handbasket?"
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
"It's not pretty being easy."
__'M ST__P__ID
"Pat, I'd like to buy an 'O', please."
"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."
"Give the gift that keeps on giving : A female kitten."
"It's always darkest before dawn. So, if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it."
"ENERGIZER BUNNY ARRESTED, CHARGED WITH BATTERY. FILM AT ELEVEN."